Saturday, January 17, 2009

A Poem


Going Crazy

Crying tears of lonliness
My heart calls out in pain
In my empty, dark cold room
Listening to the hollow rain
A hole of doubt and anger
Consume my every thought
So much I want to do
So much my mind has sought
My aching soul bleeds
Singing a sad, sad song
So much I haven't done
So many things gone wrong
But in this same old tune
A whispery echo sighs
For every day you wait
Another melody dies
Holding my head with angry fingers
My silent screams ignored
All those thoughts I think
All the hurt feelings I hoard
The tunnels of my mind
Sterile and hospital white
Until a door is opened
The mess spills out in spite
The whispers of the norm
The murmurs of the real
Now all unseen and unheard
When finally things stand still

-Charlie

Friday, January 16, 2009

Second in Command, but freezing


Last night I got home from work about 11:30. Took the dogs out, feed all the animals. I watched an episode of Supernatural- an amazing one. Watched an episode of Ghost Whisperer- pretty good. Went to bed about 2:30, not from being tired but rather a lack of something better to do. At 6:10 a.m. I get a phone call. Megan. Why is she calling me? OH MY GOSH! Am I late for work? Did I read the schedule wrong again?
"Hello?" I ask tentatively.
"Hey, can do truck this morning? I'm sick." She really sounds aweful.
So I went to work this morning on very few hours of sleep. At first the lack of sleep made me kinda bouncy. I was on top of things this morning. Rushing around makeing coffee, baking cookies and scones, morning lattes. The truck shows up and Christina from book-side comes over to cover cafe so I can check everything, make sure the truck driver isn't cheating us out of something we paid for- it's been known to happen. I'm shoveling around heavy boxes of soup, sandwiches, cookies, cheesecakes. Using the box cutter to open them, organize them in the freezers. Going through the boxes and checking them off on the invoice. Hauling boxes of mocha powder around, liquid frap mix, grande cold cups...everytihing is good, I have energy from not getting enough sleep. Don't ask how, but I manage to be very active on lack of sleep. I also hefted large and heavy quantities of Jones soda and IBC around to stock the beverage case in the dinning room. Once most of truck is done and Christina is back to her regular job of selling books, and after I took out two large trash bins, flung open the insanely huge and difficult lid to the dumpster and dumped cafe wastes, my energy had evaporated. I was yawning, my back was very much hurting, and my coordination had dropped severely.
That's when it gets very busy. Non-stop customers. Everyone wanted white chocolate mochas, sandwiches, soup. Soup was popular today, sold it all within a half hour. Well, what would you expect? It's fifteen degrees outside and snowing.
Finally snow. I am ecstatic to see the soft, fluffy puffs coming down, even though it's not really sticking. Too dry out there for it to really stick. It's the kind that blows around on the road as you drive by at regular speed. Just little misty tornados of snow. But gorgeous. Even though I have to work tomorrow, I really hope it sticks. Lots of it. I want to wake up in the morning to a few inches, if not then a few feet. Five at least. I want to not see my green 2000 ford tauraus I named Sir Robin the Brave. That's how much snow I want. Blizzard. Call me crazy, but I love this kind of weather. Even if Sir Robin's heater doesn't work. I fixed the dang heater so many times, I can't keep track. Not once when the mechanics have said, "That should get you some heat," has there ever been heat. Once in a while, on a mild day, heat comes through the vents. More often then not, especially when it's 1 degree in the morning, it just throws out a cold breeze. So, fingers going numb from frost bite, my exhalations visible puffs of white, my lips going blue, I drove to work this morning, shivering in my thermal sweater, old, but trusty hoodie, stocking cap and hood, and gloves. Notice how gloves never work? I take them off many times on my drives to blow hot breath onto my poor fingers. Then, I drive one-handed so the other hand can get warmth by resting against my neck.
But I love it. Winter is my favorite, no matter that my heater in the car doesn't work. Or that the dogs take at least fifteen minutes to find a place to leave their special presents in the yard. It's beautiful...Or would be if we'd get some decent snow! It just ain't winter without the stuff.
Umm, my cat has his two front paws on the table and he's staring at me, apparently begging for food. About that time, I guess.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Other Roads


"Tears are words from the heart that can't be spoken."
One of my favorite poems is The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever coma back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Sometimes I think back to simpler times, when I was only a kid, and I wish I could go back there. Things that have happened since, things that have changed me so drastically, would never have happened. I wonder how I would have turned out, who I would have been, had certain things that have happened to me hadn't. If my mom had made different choices, I bet me and my youngest sister wouldn't be so...I don't know. Closed off? Angry all the time? Though, sometimes, I wish I had the anger she does, but I can't seem to find it. She thrived on that anger, shouted it to everyone who mattered, and moved on. She's married now. They have their own place and are doing wonderfully. I want to find this anger, but instead I continue to cling to the hurt inside. I allow the pain to consume me. Mom asked me a question once, when I was eight. I wonder: if I could go back and change my yes to a no, would she have listened? Would that "no" have made a difference at all? Or would I be in the same place I am now? Or, not long after that "yes" if I had spoken up instead of shrunk back in shyness and fear, maybe that would have made all the difference. Maybe I would be married right now with a toddler and a baby on the way. Maybe I'd be on my way to Hollywood to star in my first leading role.
It's so easy to look back and say, "What if?" I do it all the time. But I have great difficulty looking to my future and seeing a complete person. A whole and happy person. I just can't see her. I hope she exists, but I'm not holding my breath.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Kenni Chesney, Chapter One


October, 2007
I decided I couldn't live without a puppy of my own. I have had dogs before, but not for years, and it was about time. So, I began searching for animal shelters and places like this because I wanted to rescue a dog that needed my help. I didn't care what color or breed or anything like that. I was looking for one that wouldn't get too large because he or she will have to stay with my dad in his apartment until I can eventually talk my brother-in-law into letting me keep him or her at home. Dad was the one who, after me mentioning I really wanted a dog, said I could keep one at his place. So I searched everywhere, even tried Craig's list, but no success. I discovered an animal shelter about a mile from my home, so I tried there. They had free adoptions, so I thought, great! But the lady who was running the place didn't have dogs at the moment, but she would be glad to give me a call if she got any.
I waited. Weeks. A month. No calls. I tried calling, but no one ever seemed to be there. Tried stopping in again, but it was appointment only, and calling wasn't getting me anywhere. Apparently this woman was in no hurry to find good homes for the dogs I sometimes saw in the fenced area outside the shelter as I'd drive by.
Soon, Christmas was over, a new year began. I kept searching, but no one had dogs to give away. There are always strays when nobody's looking, but when someone is looking, dogs somehow manage to become scarce.
With the holidays over, I was pretty broke, to the point my mom sent me fifty dollars to help with groceries. My sister was on the road, the house to myself. I was going to Wal-mart with my dad, we were both out of food. Wouldn't you know it, an old, beat up car sat near the end of the parking lot, sign in the window that said puppies for sale.
"Puppies!" I point my car in that direction, completely ecstatic. "We have to look, dad!"
The man was selling them for fifty dollars, exactly what I had in my pocket. There were four of them, tiny, little furballs in a box. I wanted to take them all, especially since the car and man selling the puppies seemed pretty shady. And a tad smelly. I knew I had to save one of these puppies.
"Dad, what do you think?"
"How big will they get?" dad asks.
"Not too big. They are part Cocker Spaniel and Box Terrior. The mom is only this big." He indicated with his hand somewhere near the middle of my calf. I wasn't certain if the puppies were really a mix of the breeds he'd said, but I didn't care. They were all black with some brown, a few had white. I saw my future in that brown, cardboard box.
"Da." As I call my dad.
"If you want one." He didn't sound thrilled about this, but I had waited long enough. Who needs food to eat? I could go without bread, milk, breakfast, lunch, and dinner until my next paycheck. I wanted a puppy.
"I'll take one."
"There are two girls and two boys," the shady man points out which are which. I want a boy dog. Some reason, I always go with the male gender. My cat is a boy, I want a boy dog. But, since he would be living with dad, I felt I should at least ask him which he preferred.
"Boy or girl, dad?"
"Get a girl."
I should have known. But, I agreed. I was just happy to finally be getting a puppy. I pick one of the girls up and hold her close, bonding.
"I figure this one," Shady pointed to the girl still in the box, "will go first because she has the white on her paws."
"I'll take this one," I said, gesturing to the one I held. I don't like doing what is expected, and since he "figured" the other would get chosen first, I chose the one he didn't think would get picked first. I like to purposely do the opposite of what people say. Stubborn? Hell yes.
I gave him the cash, holding the puppy against my neck, nuzzling her soft, baby fur with my cheek. I am so far in love with her already, it's insane. I get in my car and reluctantly hand her to dad so I can drive. I steer us into a space.
"Maybe I should stay in the car with her while you get what you need," I tell dad. Then I realize I need to buy puppy food, puppy potty pads, food dishes, treats, puppy shampoo- she was too young to bathe, but she smelled like a dumpster. Shady had said she was born around December 15, so I marked that in my phone as her birthday, deciding I would throw her a party each year.
"She should be fine in the car for a few minutes." Dad reassures me, but I am teriffied. It was cold, still winter, and she was only a baby. But, I did need to go inside the store. So, fast as I could, I ran through Wal-mart, throwing puppy items in my cart, wondering how much money was actually in my bank account. I snatched up a loaf of bread. Mayonnaise sandwiches for a week it was going to be.
"What am I going to name her?" I asked, climbing into the car, shivering from the cold.
"You'll think of something."
"Something that makes you think of summer," I muttered. My heater didn't work... Still doesn't work.
"Summer?" Dad suggests. No way. Makes me think of the show Baywatch.
"Maybe I'll call her beach ball," I joke. "Come here, Beachy."
At my dad's apartment, I cuddled with her on the couch. She played for a few minutes, then got sleepy and curled on the floor, resting her head on my foot as she takes a nap.
"Sandy, Aqua, Shovel, Sunshine..." I went through all the summertime words I could think of. "Kenny Chesney," I laughed. "Because his songs and videos are always about the ocean or the beach and summertime." But I was only joking. I talked to my brother on the phone, excited to share the news of my new puppy with him.
"I can't come up with a good summer name for her. It has to make you think of summertime. Any ideas?" I asked him.
"Summer," he said. Grr. "Kenny Chesney."
"Laugh out loud, that's what I said!" Funny, he thought of the country singer like I did. I decided it must be fate, so I named her Kenni Chesney. With an i because she's a girl. I wasn't 100% settled on the name, but I figured it could work until I think of something better.
I never did.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Lost Sketch Book


I just spent well over an hour and a half searching the entire house for my good sketch book and have yet to find it. The only one I can find is full of scribblings and clothes I like to design for fun with gel pens because I like gel pens. But the missing one, that has my good sketches. The sketch I did of my dad as he sat playing some video game. The portrait I drew of my nephew when he was a baby. The smaller drawing of Orlando Bloom, which turned out much better than the one I drew for my college art class a few years back. A couple other drawings of people. I don't know what it is about faces that I like so much. Sometimes I see someone while out and about and I wish I could draw them. But I'm likely to scare people if I were to walk up to a stranger and say, "Hey, can I take your picture so I can draw you? There's something about your cheekbones that says art." I mentioned how I wanted to draw some random customer I had the other day to a co-worker and she said that sounded stalkerish. Okay. Keeping my stalkerish thoughts to myself from now on. Some faces just capture my attention, is all. I really like drawing.
I haven't drawn in a while. None of the things I used to enjoy doing seem enjoyable these days. I sometimes sit around staring at the walls. I think, "Maybe I should read." But I decide against it.
"Maybe I should watch a movie." Don't want to.
"Maybe I should pull out my oil paints." No.
"I could work on my novel." Not in the mood.
I think it's a bit of depression. Everyone has depression these days. The past year or so I haven't been me, but I can't really find my way back. I feel like I'm going through the motions. Just existing. Maybe I'll open that sketch book, the one with the scibbles, and draw a good sketch. Maybe.
Or I could spend another hour searching for the lost sketch book. Last time I saw it, it was on the fridge. I have looked up there at least eight times, but the notebook of drawings continues to be on my list of lost items. I bet my sister knows where it is. This is her house, but she goes on the road with her husband every other month. Truck driver. Last time I saw it, she was home and it was resting on the fridge, in case I needed it right away. Which, I never do, I haven't drawn in more than a year.
But someday. Maybe tonight.
I am actually in the mood to draw now. Wow. It's all this typing about my darn lost sketch book that has me wanting to pull out my graphite pencils and a stack of photographs. I find drawing from photos much easier than from real life. The picture I drew of my dad was difficult, he kept moving. I prefer taking pictures, then drawing.
I know a professional artist who paints portraits for a living. She has business cards and everything. She really wants to paint the cafe manager. She's good. Paints from photos like I draw from them. But my art is for fun. I want to be an author, though I doubt I will reach the fame of J. K. Rowling or Stephanie Meyer. I'm not that good, I just enjoy it.
Well, I'm off to draw. And continue my search for the MIA sketch book. I'll let ya know if it ever gets found.

Ramblings

Just got home from work. Exhausted. Wasn't too bad tonight. Busy though. I had a grande iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte, but the two shots of espresso had no affect on me except to make me sleepy. I think, having coffee and espresso at my fingertips almost everyday has sort of made me immune to the stuff. I drank it and was ready to lay on the counter next to the register and have a nap.
I miss working at the daycare in Washington state. I worked in the two-year-old room, which we called the Teddy Tots. I actually had a dream a few nights ago that I worked there part time and still kept my job at Barnes and Noble, impossible with the many, many states between the two places, but it was a good dream. That really was a wonderful job, stressful, but now that I'm gone, I am wondering why I ever complained. Come on, I got paid to play dress up and sculpt with playdough. Sure there were messy diapers, and spoiled brats, but I loved it all. Grouptime or outside time were the best. After naptime, of course. I loved reading books to them. One of my favorites was Silly Spider. All the kids would read it with me, we had it memorized. It had a little cardboard spider that went through the book, through little slits and flaps in each page. We'd all bellow, as loud as we could, "Yuck, silly spider! Get off the toothbrush!" They loved it. And, occasionally, Silly Spider had a tendancy to hide. The Teddy Tots really enjoyed helping me find him. He liked to hide in abandoned shoes, children's pockets, and sometimes in their hair. I can't remember the author, but it is a great, interactive book.
The days we couldn't go outside because of the weather- too hot, too cold, too rainy- were the worst! Thirty two-year-olds in one room with two to three teachers- which is way over ratio at seven kids to a teacher. They had all this energy and no where for it to go. We had an indoor playground but we had to share that with the whole daycare, while the playground was for Teddies and Cozies only. Also, the indoor playground was only a room with a padded floor and a four foot slide to climb on. Not very entertaining. We did have a large parachute to play with, which was really a lifesaver sometimes. For about ten minutes at a time. By then, the Teddies were yanking on the cloth so we couldn't lift it up and down, up and down until their hair was standing straight up from static electricity, and our arms were sore from this anyway. The toddlers also had a tendency to start trampling and biting one another under this enormous, colorful parachute. It took about three teachers to play parachute anyway, to keep the material balanced, and three in the playroom was pushing it.
But naptime- sigh, sigh. Sometimes, and it was really easy to do, we'd fall asleep right there with the children. Those stubborn ones, the ones parents probably gave coffee at breakfast-we had a few parents like this, come on people!-the ones who fight sleep, we would lie next to them, pat their backs, our shoes kicked off, and we'd be out before them. The older you get, the faster the energy goes. It doesn't help that Kenny Loggins or Enya is singing softly on the CD player, and the lights are out.
One of my favorite aspects of the daycare- jeans and t-shirts. Hoodies and sneakers. Kick off your shoes, roll up your sleeves and build a mountain out of legos or fingerpaint a masterpiece. None of the formality and dumb dress codes like when dealing with adults. Kids are simple, they don't care what you are wearing. You don't have to look nice, heck, don't even brush your hair. No stupid, uncomfortable suit or uniform. Just jeans. But somehow, somewhere along the way to adulthood, we lose that simplicity. Why people think image is everything is beyond my comprehending. Can't we go to work in what we think is comfortable? Who cares how we look, comfy clothing is likely to put a person in a better mood while working. It does for me, anyway. Hell, wear your pjs to the courtroom. Why should it really matter? So sad. To be a kid again...
Not too bad being a barista, though. So long as it's black or white, we can wear it. Black hoodies, sneakers, denim. I own an awful lot of black now, since starting in the cafe more than a year ago. I really like my job...
But sometimes. Anyone who deals with customers knows what it's like to want to jump onto the counter and wrap their hands around someone's throat and squeeze until the breath leaves their body...I don't get too many of those, but occasionally...Mostly it's the mildly annoying people who don't know what to order, make you go through every recepie for every drink, though they are practically all the same with a few alterations, then settle on a tall, black coffee. Grrr. Or they argue with you for ten minutes about something. "They make me decaf frappuccinos all the time at Starbucks..." Well, if they have decaf frap mix, good for them. We are not a Starbucks and have never been. This is what we serve, and since I have been serving it for more than a year and can make these drinks in my sleep, I know what I am talking about. We don't have decaf frap mix. Get something with Cream Base, for crying out loud! It is just a drink. Then the ones who get mad at you because you don't accept Starbucks cards because your not a Starbucks. Try that card at Wal-mart, you'll get the same reply. People are messy. Inconsiderate. They gather every book in the store, sit for hours dropping crumbs and napkins and straws onto the floor and read. Then they get up and leave. Yes, because I have plenty of time to gather, sweep, and clean up after you. I am not your mother. Put your books in neat stacks on the trash cans for booksellers to put away, and, at the very least, throw your trash away in one of three trash bins on your way out of cafe. You know, the little boxes that spell TRASH on the front. Drop something, pick it up. Use a sugar packet, throw it away. Spill something, let me know. Seriously. People can be frustrating.
Once, while I worked my second job at the Dollar General, I had to have the assistant manager watch my reg. for a few minutes so I could run outside to help a former employee with something. I got back in and started talking to her. As I was telling her what the ex-employee wanted, she stepped away from the register and I took her place and reached for the first item of the customer in line to ring it up. "Can you check my stuff out before you visit," the customer said, very rudely. Oh, Prissy are we? I glare, toss her stuff in a bag, my day had not been going well to start with and she was the last straw for me. Seven days a week I was working, and you wouldn't believe how rude people who shop at the Dollar store can be. Like they are better than you. I may have worked there, but they were shopping there. So, don't even. Anyway, I hand her her change, still glaring, and a dime misses her hand and rolls onto the floor at her feet.
"Pick that up." she orders.
Exscuse me? "No. You pick it up," I tell her. Once, only about three years ago, I would have been too terrified to say something like this to a customer, but years and years of being stepped on by the world, I finally grew my backbone. Shaking the whole time, but it was there.
"I'm not leaving until you pick up my dime."
She was in such a hurry at first that she was rude, now she wanted to wait around for me to pick up her 10 cents? Seriously.
"I'm not picking that up. Your right there, it's not difficult." I start to ring up the customer behind her, who is staring at Priss like she's from another planet. My thoughts exactly.
"Where is your manager? I want to talk to your manager."
"Go ahead."
"Get her for me."
Right. I'll just do that. "You go find her. I'm busy."
"I want to speak to a manager." She's practically stomping her feet at this point. Here's one of the ones I can strangle and smile while I'm at it.
"Sandy!" I call out to the store, more then ready for the Asst. Manager to get rid of the b****. Sandy comes over, coos a few words to the woman, and she storms out of the store.
"Don't worry about it, dear. She was a f****** b****." To hear this older woman curse is funny beyond reasoning. She always says curse words, then turns around and very softly and sweetly, "I'm sorry, dear."
Anyway, I have plenty of crazy people stories from my summer at The DG. The rest are funny, though or sick or just plain weird. Like naked, drunk lady. Or the begger who tried opening car doors and we had to call the police. Never a dull moment in this town.
Anywho, long day today. Tomorrow I'm stopping in at work to do inventory because the cafe manager, Megan, is using my numbers this week for truck order, and I am still very slow at this task. I haven't quite got a handle on this, so I'm stopping in on my day off for an hour or two to get some of it done. Then Monday, airport to pick up dad from his Christmas in Washington with the family. I actually kind of miss him.